Conversion Contraception

Your Checkout Page is a Crime Scene

You are inviting people to your house, but the door is locked, the dog is barking, and you are asking for their Social Security number before letting them in.

I see this tragedy every single day. A business owner spends $10,000 on ads. The ads are perfect. The copy is sharp. The creative is a "Retinal Assault."

The customer clicks. They are ready to buy. They have their credit card in their hand. They are chemically primed for a dopamine hit.

And then they land on your website.

And the website punches them in the face, steals their wallet, and asks them to solve a riddle.

You do not have a traffic problem. You have a Dead Funnel. You are pouring expensive champagne into a bucket that has been used for target practice.

The "Create Account" Felony

If you force a customer to "Create an Account" before they can buy a $20 t-shirt, you should be arrested by the Internet Police.

I do not want a "relationship" with your brand. I do not want to join your "tribe." I want to buy the shirt and go on with my life.

When you ask me to create a password, you are asking me to leave. "Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a symbol, the blood of a virgin, and the name of your third-grade teacher’s pet hamster."

No. Close tab. Sale lost.

You just paid $30 to acquire that click, and you flushed it down the toilet because your ego demands a "user base." Guest Checkout is not a feature; it is a human right.

The "Pop-Up" mosh pit

You need to understand Pipe Demand. Marketing creates the pressure, but your website is the pipe.

Right now, your pipe is clogged with desperation.

I land on your site and immediately:

1. A cookie banner covers the bottom half of the screen (thanks, Europe).

2. A "Get 10% Off" pop-up covers the center.

3. A "Spin to Win" wheel slides in from the left like a drunk uncle at a wedding.

4. A chat bot dings and asks, "Hi! I'm an AI! Can I annoy you?"

I haven't even seen the product yet, and I’m already fighting off your widgets like I’m the main character in a karate movie.

Stop it. You look desperate. You look like a Times Square souvenir shop trying to hustle tourists. Get out of the way and let me buy the thing.

The "Captcha" Interrogation

Why do I have to identify traffic lights to buy protein powder?

I am trying to give you money, and you are treating me like a Russian hacker trying to steal nuclear launch codes.

"Please select all the squares that contain a bicycle." I don't know, is that a bicycle or a moped? Who cares? Just take my money!

Every time you make a customer prove they aren't a robot, a real human leaves your site to buy from Amazon because Bezos doesn't ask questions.

The Coupon Code Trap

If you have a giant box that says "ENTER DISCOUNT CODE HERE" in your checkout, you are actively sabotaging your conversion rate.

Do you know what that box tells the customer? It tells them: "You are an idiot for paying full price. Other people are paying less than you."

So what do they do? They open a new tab. They Google " [Your Brand] Coupon Code." They end up on a sketchy coupon site, they get distracted, they watch a video of a cat falling off a table, and they never come back.

Hide the box. Or better yet, auto-apply the discount so they feel like they won the lottery without doing the work.

The Speed of Sloth

We are living in the age of instant gratification. If your mobile site takes more than 3 seconds to load, you are technically a historical reenactment of the internet in 1999.

Every second of load time is Funnel Friction. It is a tax on your revenue.

If your site is loading heavy, uncompressed images of your "About Us" team photoshoot, you are sabotaging your own bank account. Nobody cares about your team photo, Gary. Nobody wants to see the office dog. They want to see the 'Buy' button.

Your customer is likely on a phone, on a train, with 2 bars of signal. If your site doesn't load instantly, they are gone. They are back on TikTok watching a teenager dance in a Target. You have been replaced by a teenager in a Target.

The Verdict

Your website should be a grease slide. It should be impossible not to buy.

Go to your own website right now on your phone. Try to buy something.

• If you have to pinch-to-zoom...

• If you have to close three pop-ups...

• If you have to remember a password...

You are the murderer.

Stop optimizing your ads and start optimizing your obstacle course. You are killing your own sales, and the competition is laughing at you while they cash the checks you dropped.

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